Tue February 12, 2013
I Loathe My Valentine
Giving chocolate is easy. But what if you want to send a different message this Valentine’s Day? Never fear, we’ve got great gift suggestions for those tasteless or unsavory people in your love life.
How about a life-sized gummi snake? You can curl it around your arm when you deliver it to that poisonous person, or let the recipient be surprised when he or she opens the box.
Or maybe you want to say “You’re a chicken” or “You’re a sucker” to that certain someone who won’t step up and do the right thing. A lollipop shaped like a poultry carcass will do the talking for you.
Did someone pull a “bait and switch” move on you? Give that loser some BeanBoozled jellybeans. They look exactly like banana, licorice, and blueberry candies - but they’re flavored like pencil shavings, skunk spray, and toothpaste.
Send a pickle pop to the sourest person you know. A shiny, green lollipop should taste like limes or apples, but not this one. It’s dill-pickle flavored.
Want something poetic? Shakespearean Insult Gum is for you. Little matchboxes contain quotes from the Bard’s great work along with gumballs. Perfect for that lit-lover whose "wit’s as thick as Tewkesbury mustard." (Henry IV, if anyone asks.)
The life-sized - and realistic - bleeding hearts are a little too graphic to post here, but having several different manufacturers means you can choose the one with your desired degree of ooze.
Old-school prank candy is still a tasty option. Thanks to the miracle of the Internet, you needn’t search novelty stores for soap-flavored candy or gum that will turn a chewer’s teeth sickening shades of black or blue. Yes, order now and faster than you can say "mouthwash," you’ll be passing along a timeless tradition.
Because that’s what Valentine’s Day is really all about, isn’t it? Upholding the custom of telling the people in our lives how much they mean to us - whether we love them or loathe them.
Do you have a funny, heartwarming or horrendous food-themed Valentine's story to share? There's still time to enter our Valentine's contest. Entries accepted through February 14th. Details here.